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Sis the Elder

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I'm a geeky, artsy sort of girl studying Medieval history in Trondheim, Norway.


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One of these days I shall make enough art to have a selection here...


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making up a mind [Wednesday 23/07/2008 @ 23:47]
[ mood | blah ]

I wish my head could decide on whether it is depressed or not. Brain, can you please be consistent?

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summer storms [Monday 14/07/2008 @ 14:17]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Friday was such a great day! The girls and I went to Kjerringøy - an island not too far from here - to visit Beate, who's been there for the past two weeks working. It's a bit of an isolated place, mostly tourists go there. They have very lovely well-preserved buildings from the 1800s. They keep it in lovely shape and sell souvenirs and historic stuff to tourists.
It's a very peaceful island, and the weather was so beautiful all day. I was thinking of staying at home because getting up at eight no longer agrees with me, but I slept for half an hour extra instead. Bente showed up outside my door at nine fifteen to my confused, not-yet-made-up face and burst out laughing when I demanded to know what she was doing here already? She wisely left me alone for another half an hour, thankfully, and then everyone got picked up and off we went!

Beate was living in a camping wagon with her lovely, friendly dog, Pan...we spent a lot of time just chatting. She really is one of the most unique people I ever met, and one of the nicest too. She always wears such old-fashioned clothes - quite appropriate to the time period of the houses - and she loves history and nature, so she is really very well-suited to her guide work. I think I'll send in an application to work there next summer. I think I'd do well :) I always liked telling tourists where to go and stuff, because the poor dears are so clueless...
Anyway, we barbecued and walked around and ate ice cream and played with her dog, and waded in the water. Mai even swam! Brave girl! Beate coached her and some others in voice therapy, as she called it. It sounded to me as if they were trying to attract gulls. (To some degree they were even successful.) We didn't leave till ten to ten in the evening.
Sometimes I really dislike summer, because the sun was still shining at that point. It would be nice to experience actual night and day during the same season sometimes. But the midnight sun is lovely, so no real complaints. It's odd to think of, that for the rest of the world we are the odd ones.

I also averted World War III between my sister and my mother on Thursday, the night before. Go me!

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makeup thoughts [Thursday 10/07/2008 @ 14:31]
[ mood | giggly ]

I have spent so much money during the last couple days O_o
On stuff like, err, underwear and makeup. First category necessary, but makeup...well, I don't remember the last time I bought anything other than restocking moisturizer etc, and I'm taking this as justification. Plus, it was good makeup, and I look better today, and I'm a girl, dammit!

I wish I had a twin to test stuff on sometimes. Doesn't every girl? Then you could really know if that dress makes you look fat, or if that haircut is as flattering as your hairdresser claims. I'm hoping the rising percentage of girls studying 3D graphics will eventually lead to us all being able to view ourselves in 3D at any time. Imagine the implications! Gossip magazines would be full of CDs with the latest celebrity 3D models...and the animators would have easier jobs, too.

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dum dum dum [Monday 07/07/2008 @ 23:48]
[ mood | bored ]

Okay, summer is boring now.

I want something to do.

I was hoping to at least briefly have a festival to attend, but Damien Rice or no Damien Rice, my little sister can't afford to go and apparently no one else is interested. Sleeping in a tent and fending off drunks by myself is less than interesting, you know? As is five hours each way on a boat by myself. :(
I want a purpose to my life. By now, I'd even take religion. Just something to break the monotony. Because it is, monotonous, and all sorts of weird obsessions cannot disguise the boredom of it all.


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Narnia, Narnia, Narnia... [Thursday 03/07/2008 @ 01:05]
[ mood | sleepy ]

They did a better job this time. Spoilahs.Collapse )

This is long and ranting and stuff. Just got back :) Dressed up a teensy bit too, did a crown braid and wore my medievalishest (new word! Whoo!) summer dress and a crown braid. Much fun was had! Long time since I've been with all the girls. My friends are right, we should get together more often. Maybe I'll get everyone to come over Friday night, not just three? Hmm...the space here is a bit limited, but it would be so much fun to gather everyone again.

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at the closing of a book [Friday 20/06/2008 @ 14:30]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I always knew life was a role-playing game, but lately I'm realizing it's not a linear one.
Heh, gaming metaphors are fun. And true. I've been hibernating for the last couple weeks after my exams ended. I 'm home from Trondheim and just relaxing. Sleeping a lot, playing Kingdom Hearts, cooking for my sister and my mother - they like my food! I am continually amazed - and even drawing a little.
My exam results were, well, somewhat disappointing. One great and others not so good. At least I covered a lot of the alphabet :P
I've been moping about that, too. Academic stuff has always been what I could succeed at, and when I feel I did a good job and still, no more than this, it tends to get me to accuse myself and all sorts of stupid things. But academics are not the most important part of life, no matter what my teacher aunt may think.

I'm beginning to realize just howmuch art is a part of my life and personality. I miss it. I really did love my three years of mixed art and theoretics, and I'm wondering, is not that what I should be doing with my life, rather than sitting in a dusty university with history books?
Of course, the history stuff was always just something for this year. Psychology this fall. That is my goal for now, and if it suits me, if it is what I want to do, if I find the curriculum interesting and the classes exciting, then what can stop me? Only a lack of confidence and lack of applying myself, and I won't let that happen.
But if it's not for me, then it's not for me. And then I will have to look elsewhere.

I guess I always did think life was a linear thing. You grew up, figured out what to do, did it, kept on doing it. But you do actually change your mind. You gain new interests, lose old ones. A lot of people are always saying how they knew from when they were little what they were gonna be and stuff, but I distrust that. When we are small we have every sort of dream. If any of these come true, then it seems in retrospect it was clear all along, but it is a modified truth.

Ah. I love some things about university. I hate others. I hate how people in different faculties and fields of interests are so elitical and think that if you aren't studying the same as them then you're basically useless. And I hate also how sensitive I am to stuff like that and end up adopting the same attitude.
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...
I always assumed art and artsy stuff was not something to build a carrier out of. And I always assumed everyone else thought the same.
...actually, it should not matter what other people think. I need to do what I want to do. What I'm good at. That might be psychology, it may be photography, it may be art. I'm still nineteen, for goodness' sake! I don't have to figure out the rest of my life this instant.
Mind, when I was sixteen I always thought I'd have everything figured out when I was nineteen. I'd have a boyfriend, I would have started on my education, my Photoshop skills would be to die for. Also, I would have a killer hairdo and would know how to walk in heels. I would even be exercising.

All that is a work-in-progress, you know? I do have Photoshop skills. I did start on some education. No boyfriend, but I do appear to be learning something about how to communicate with boys, at least. The heels...well, no, my feet are not made for them. But flat shoes are now fashionable, so that one I'm striking out. I even...almost exercise. I have been taking walks the last couple of days, that should count for something. And I just got bangs.

So, progress after all. I'm gonna try learning some other things, more important ones. Like how not to stress my brains out. And how to do a figure-8 bun.

Again with the open endings. Life is what happens when the curtain falls. I guess this is why mangas, unlike western comics, have open endings - it's what makes them so good. You can sense how their lives begin when the manga ends and nothing more is described with pen and and ink. Between the lines.

At the end of the journal post. Off to live it!

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the past and the bright future [Monday 12/05/2008 @ 11:32]
[ mood | happy ]

My, how time flies. I've had some lovely days - the weather has been amazing and sunny and I've been relaxing.
Going home was really bad and then very good. I did what mother has been urging me to for years and cleaned out the closets.
I found an old watch and put it on. Strangely enough, it was showing almost the time it was at the time. I ended up getting embarrassingly emotional going through all that old stuff and the memories they brought. At first, I found good things - old letters and things that made me smile. Then I hit the old, old things.
I wish I could go back in time sometimes and...and what? Whisk my younger self away to some happier place? I didn't have it that bad. My parents loved me and did their best. I could have been a friend instead. Friends were what I needed most. I looked at this old school diary, the mass-produced sort, and there wasn't a single name in the friends pages. I know that's a coincidence - everyone loved filing out those little pages whether they actually were friends or not - probably because I kept it at home, but nonetheless it hit me.
I decided to blame the watch. Symbolism, anyone?

In other news exams are getting ever closer and I am so worried. I have this mountain of work before me and I don't know where to start. Ah, but just worrying about it will do no good either. You never will get anywhere if you just sit and stare at the map.
Kriss and I have been getting closer lately, too. We are looking at some apartments and I think we will get to move in together. Janne and I are, well, amiable, I suppose. We hardly ever spend time together anymore. I think it's ending. Janne was really necessary and important for me my first half year here, but I guess we don't need each other as much anymore. I'm not so saddened by it - I'm not going to cling to something that doesn't have a future.
We did get together, me, Janne, Kriss, to watch the Land Before Time. I love that movie! It's such a sweet childhood memory and a good antidote for the previous events. I got all teary and sniffled myself through three tissues. Kriss left a little while after the movie finished to get some sleep, and I discreetly chased Janne out too, though she seemed to think she was choosing it herself.
A lot of things seem to be coming to an end, but good things await, I think :) And no matter what happens, at least I know I'll never have to go back to that intense loneliness and isolation of my childhood. But I'm glad I've kept the friend I did have back then - Kriss.
It's her birthday in some days. I guess I'll have to do something fabulous!

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homecoming [Monday 05/05/2008 @ 11:36]
[ mood | okay ]

Sigh. I'm a bit sad today - confrontation, or lack of it, with my sister yesterday, and she did some really childish things that really disappointed me. I thought she was more mature than this, but apparently not.

It makes me worry a bit. I don't know how to be a good big sister for her. I would like to help her with whatever problems she has, but how? She is so territorial. You can't be that territorial. You have to give other people their room too. I worry that my parents are spoiling her because they don't know what to do with her moods and her weird habits and...and all that stuff.

Is it my responsibility to make her grow up? I shouldn't think so. I should think she is responsible for herself. But she has never seemed to want to assume that responsibility.


In other news, it is pleasant to be home in other respects. The weather is a bit grey today, which I quite enjoy after Saturday's bright sunlight, and it is very comfortable not having to cook or worry about money. Exams are looming, though. Looming. So I should probably summarize some chapters rather than write lj entries, no?

Off to be a good student!

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something missing, something found [Thursday 01/05/2008 @ 12:00]
[ mood | determined ]

I sometimes wonder if I'm supposed to be discovering religion or something, particularly when I've been a good student and read my books for a while. There has been so much fuss about religion and religious philosophy, controversy, doctrines, opposition...the list just goes on and on.

And I really don't care much about religion, or faith, or whatever you want to call it so it doesn't sound like what everyone else is doing. I can get very worked up about politics and just about every other subject, but on religion I pretty much draw a blank. And I'm not an atheist either, I simply seem to lack an understanding of either.
Certainly there are things I do not understand, and things that are not human that are still intelligent - if you've ever had a pet, you know that much. And certainly the world is full of all these strange things, some of which we are barely beginning to discover. But why do people react to this by building sand castles interpreted and schematized as religion?

Maybe what I should be learning after reading all these books is that this is actually a good thing. I'm unlikely to go off and kill someone or be killed because of some nonsensical argument. It would be nice to have an epiphany, though, even if just to be the self-righteous convinced one for a while.
It must be very comfortable to believe as some people do that they are right and they know they are right and they do not need to listen to the opposition.
Thinking about it, they don't believe that they are right, do they? They believe in someone else being right, someone perfect, someone who will always be there for you, and they name this fantasy god or Jesus or whatever name comes to mind. And some of them find that he or she is there, and some are not that skilled at tricking themselves and sense only absence. If you look for something and do not find it then maybe it's not there.

When children have invisible friends we smile at them and ask them to introduce us and think, this will pass. And usually it does. But with adults we are expected to respect their invisible friends even when they claim that this is your friend, too, and if you just opened yourself up you'd see him.

I don't want invisible friends. I want to manage on my own.

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women of the day [Tuesday 29/04/2008 @ 11:13]
[ mood | optimistic ]

I picked up a book at the library yesterday - A History of Their Own - Women in Europe from Prehistory to the Present. Barely started yet but it seems good, and it's relevant for my exams (somewhat) so I shall feel less guilty for not reading my history books all the time.

It made me think, though. The authors make very valid points in the introduction. It's obviously history from a feminist standpoint, and old as the book is (1988) I do believe it's still needed. Regardless of what one thinks about the state of feminism today it is a historical fact that women have been oppressed to some degree or another, subjected to men, not been allowed to own property, to work only under certain conditions, and to be valued less overall. These things sometimes really jump out at me when I read medieval history. Aristotle, for instance, is quite the chauvinist, and he was far from alone. The idea that women were considered not a separate gender but half-finished men is...well, it's just idiotic, to my point of view.

Feminism today is such a difficult area. At least to me. On the one hand you have the people that claim that all that is in the past and we shouldn't think about it any more, so it will just go away. On the other you have the extreme feminists who would have every woman be a lesbian if they could, and seem to think that everything in society is men controlling them in some way or another.
With feminists like that, who needs the patriarchy?
It's obvious if you think about it that with men writing history women have consciously or unonsciously been ignored. When people are considered first for their gender, that is a natural consequence. And history as we regard it is a long list of wars and conquests and battles - precisely those things in which women were not involved, save as a silent minority quite unable to effectively alter the outcome.
The thing is, though. It's not women who should be researching all this as much as it is men. Much like with native populations who have in some way or another been exploited. It's the ones that have abused and exploited that need to really take this in and learn from it, but it is also precisely them that have a hard time doing so. I know from my own country how annoying and unreasonable it can seem when people hold things in the past against others. It's not as if you can do anything about it anyway - can't we just forget it?
And there's also a danger that the exploited party will end up just circling around the issue and being unable to forget and unable to forgive, and refuse help that is offered.

And it is like that with feminism. Certainly women should know their history and know that we have not been as equal as we are now. Certainly men, too, should realize that in the past women have been abused and oppressed by members of their own gender. But we mustn't end up thinking about that constantly and holding these things against men today who can't change history any more than us. If we mistreat or think badly of men because they are men, or boys because they are boys, then we are no better than those men in the past who disregarded women because they were women. We have to remember that both sides have blame in this - we submitted, didn't we? If half of the world's population had gone up and demanded their rights as human beings, would the issue have been so impossible? No. We had our revolution and we have our rights, and it worked.
Of course there is still discrimination, but don't we first and foremost consider people these days? Shouldn't we just keep at that? Not forgetting, but moving on.

We choose our roles in life ourselves. We submit or dominate or meet people on equal grounds. You can't be made a victim unless you accept the part.

Feminism is for both women and men. That's the whole point.

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some silly thoughts [Tuesday 15/04/2008 @ 10:49]
[ mood | giggly ]

Hmm, so Janne decided the first person to visit upon coming back was Marius and not me :P Really, it's nice she has a boy and all, but as far as I know none of her other friends have ever met him despite the fact that she spends so much time with him all the time.
What is it that make people go funny when they're in a relationship?

Well, of sorts, as Janne won't admit to that either. She just kinda avoids the subject and mutters a bit. I feel like a bit of a gossip writing about this here, but it is something that quirks at me, so better to get it out.

I did hair research yesterday. Yes, I know - hair research. How girly can you get? First time I ever really understood the urge to go on a complete shopping spree. Online shopping is so easy, and the currencies make the actual sums seem very far-away.

Didn't buy much, though. Luckily I'm still not that girly. Some good habits remain...

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[Sunday 13/04/2008 @ 12:42]
[ mood | content ]

I was talking to my mother the other day, and she asks, mind if I tidy up your room a little? Ingeborg is coming and she could use it as a guest room.

Answers I, Okay, as long as you don't call me to complain about the mess.

What does she do today? Call to complain about the mess. I felt myself getting into a bad mood, but then dad, bless him, takes the phone from mother and tells me she's stressed in this overbearing, kinda-amused tone, and then it was funny again.

So, dad, thank you. I haven't thanked you a lot over the years, I guess - you were always dragging me to things I did not want to attend when I was little. But you're a good guy.

I wonder how Kriss is feeling today. She was going to this high school-themed party yesterday, everybody being required to dress up as American high school clichés. I borrowed her one of my corsets and did her goth make-up, so it should have been a success ;)
Kriss as a goth is a bit wrong, she's much too tanned for it. I found myself wanting to go to the party too. Then I thought about it for a moment and realized I didn't want to go to the party as much as I just wanted to dress up and look oddly elegant for the evening, so I stayed at home and missed Janne a bit.
If she had been here we could have dressed up for the heck of it and just wandered around, cameras in hand. Maybe we still should? I think I'll ask her. She's coming home from Prague tomorrow, and chances are she might be in the mood for some dress-up.

Tasks for today include tidying up this room, cleaning some and finishing up an essay for school. I don't feel too much like doing any of it at the moment, I confess. It's beautiful and sunny tonight, but not too cold or windy, and I'm wearing a skirt - I want to go out there and just enjoy the day for a time. Ligge i grønne enger...

Well, tidying first, and then we'll see if the sun remains as tempting.

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tags and trains [Monday 07/04/2008 @ 22:29]
[ mood | geeky ]

Woah, two weeks since the last update! And I can't even remember being busy or anything. Maybe I was, though?

Not too much happening either. Marieke and I did a bunch of coding on Shinyverse and it is almost ready to be presented to the public, I just need some feedback from my local 1337 master. Save me, arnemart-sama! *ahem*
...I almost started writing about the weather for a moment. No! I will not be like the rest of the country! I can have meaningful conversations! Yes?

A while back Janne and my sister and I had a quite fun trip, actually. (Something did happen now that I thought about it.) We discovered that the stores here around were all out of our favorite easter chocolate (easter eggs in purple cardboard) and, err, made a trip out of that fact...
yeah, sometimes I wonder how our brains work also.

Anyway, it as great fun although quite frustrating at first. We took the train to the nearest outpost of civilization (which turned out to have a bloody lot of grocery stores) aka Stjørdal, and searched every single grocery store in the area for those delicious chocolate eggs.
At first we didn't find any, and we were getting quite desperate, as taking the train to find some eggs is sad enough in the first place. Not finding any would make the whole episode tragic.
When we started on our trip Janne was optimistically wondering how many eggs she could squeeze into her bag. halfway through we were laughing and nearly crying at the same time at the complete lack of eggs, but then! Then, my friends, we found three lonely egg packs on a gas station!
The fun thing is that we have the whole thing photo-documented, thanks to my sister accompanying us. The photos are quite amusing - particularly the ones at the end when we held the eggs up to the sun...

Speaking of pictures, my camera malfunctioned today. No image. Menu stuff and all that, but it didn't seem get the fact that its surroundings were not pitch black, which was what the screen showed. Did some googling and found this guy recommending a procedure for how to go about restoring this. It involved hitting it against your elbow.
The first surprise of this was that I was desperate enough to try, the second that it actually worked. W00t! Paul Nb, you da man!
Well, I'm gonna go hover over my email and see if the 1337 master found what was wrong with my html. Enjoy your lives, people! :)

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how time flies! [Monday 24/03/2008 @ 16:21]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

It seems to me that I arrived here maybe a couple days ago, and in reality it is the other way around; a couple more days till my leaving. I've had so much fun! Coding (less fun) and lightbox (ups and downs, that one) and reading and long walks (well, one) and shopping (some)...
Sometimes the unfairness gets to me. WHY don't we live in the same town, dawrei? :(

Still, mostly grateful that I get to visit and feel so welcome ^-^. Today we had a High Tea, which was pretty much like an invitation to coffee back home, only with tea and scones rather than, well, coffee and cake. I think I prefer the tea. Coffee just isn't my...cup of tea.
Everyone has been really nice to me and made pains to speak English as much as possible even during a family gathering, slipping back into Dutch occasionally, of course, but giving me summaries of the conversation from time to time.
In some ways it is quite strange for me to be here - there has been occasional snow(kinda) and to see snow and green grass at the same time is deeply odd to me. Snow isn't supposed to come until the grass is brown and dry and brittle and you welcome anything that would break the dreary grayness of the world...and there was no real snowfall, either, so I suppose the weather gods agree.

It's also triggered some other thoughts - Marieke is on an illustration art school course, and I wonder if that isn't where I should be too. I know my current studies are not what I want to keep doing, and I wonder also if Psychology is really it. I love and enjoy drawing so much, and spend so much time on it - is it logical that I should pursue a carrier in some other direction? I don't know. I'm going to arrange an appointment with the student counselors when I get back, and have someone help me with making that decision.
I've always assumed that drawing professionally wasn't for me, but I wonder now if that's a correct assumption. If nothing else it would excuse me spending huge amounts on art supplies, which I long to.

This life thing is difficult, and it doesn't seem to get any easier. Sometimes I wish I was thirteen again and had no real decisions to make for years yet, but then I remember how unhappy I really was and know that isn't true. I just have never liked the learning by doing routine, and what else is life, but that?

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travelling tales [Sunday 16/03/2008 @ 21:57]
[ mood | amused ]

Somehow, through all the darn crazy packing stuff and the stress and the moment when I was convinced I had forgotten my passport - I got to Groningen. YAY!

I sometimes wonder if I should be allowed to take planes by myself, I always seem to mess something up or forget myself or something. It always turns out okay in the end, of course, but still, it would go smoother if I were better at paying attention to details and did not worry about the silly stuff so much! Maybe it's part of my personality. As long as things do get fixed n the end, I suppose it does not really matter either way.
Anyway, I'm enjoying myself ^^ I've read a lot XD But no school stuff, sadly. I read twenty pages in my computer networking book today and I felt way exhausted...I prefer my history books, at least there it is no struggle understanding what I'm reading about.

...I digress. The Netherlands (is it just me or does it sound as if you are really referring to some kind of obscure plane in a D&D system? Argh, digression!) are lovely and snowless and quite green. My gracious hostess, dawrei is as shiny as ever, and resplendent in her new pearl necklace and matching bracelet. We have discovered the dangers of taking walks and will perhaps barricade ourselves inside for a bit, or alternately take walks in other directions than the shopping mall.
The combination of sparkly objects and my not understanding the Euro currency plus Marieke's less than supreme number skills lead to large bills o_O;;; But thankfully I will not notice this until I actually get home and have to deal with everyday prices.
Meanwhile, I am kept warm and fed and full of tea. Also, Marieke and I just decided we are the pearls of society. With that, I leave you, to go off and sleep. Even pearls need their rest.

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various recent thoughts [Thursday 06/03/2008 @ 22:30]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I went back home in the weekend - it was nice. Oddly stressing and very brief, but nice nonetheless; familiar surroundings, good food, family, friends.

Came back and brought a light flu with me. Everyone were just recovering as I arrived, so I think it's kinda unfair that they brought it on me, but it wasn't too bad. Mainly I slept a lot and did very little.
(Any comments as to how this is business as usual to be delivered in person.)

I'm planning for my visit to dawrei in a week :) I am looking very much forward to all the fun things we shall do! My parents and sister are a bit miffed that I'm not going home for Easter, understandably enough, but I see them a lot more often than I see Marieke, so they should just cope XD

Hm. There's this TV show going these days where they try to experiment and see if people do have a sixth sense, by a variety of methods - can they detect physical injuries without seeing a person, can they sense burial places, hidden people and so on - and though the subject interests me, I don't watch it, because I don't feel a need to confirm the existence of intuition or whatever you would like to call it. I know it's there. I think it's good that, however stupid a show it is, and however unscientific, someone tries to examine these things in a way that reaches the public.
People should know that there are things commonly thought impossible that are entirely possible, at least for some. Though that's always the problem - how can you document something that differs so much from person to person? Some people see things, some hear, some feel. Some seem to have no intuiton at all, while others have all too much.

Interesting stuff, parapsychology and the like. The problem is that if people have no experience with it, they will dismiss it out of hand, while others seem to think that life revolves around it. If you talk about religion in the same way people will politely nod, but talk about intuition and they give you the "you're being weird again" look.

Well, it's their loss.

...maybe that's what my brother thinks about me and religion. There's a scary thought.

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the best feeling in the world [Tuesday 26/02/2008 @ 00:51]
[ mood | happy ]

Yesterday ended badly. Today ended beautifully.

I had a great deal of fun this weekend. But at the end of it I was sad, because it was at an end, and I don't like endings. And I was sad because I dislike feeling good, and I dislike that because I know eventually I will feel bad again...
I managed to make myself sad about that, of all things. And sad because I tend to be overly sensitive and that is annoying for me also.

But Kriss came over tonight. I asked her to because I needed a favor - eventually that turned out to be a dead end, but no fault of either of us - and it turned out it was because we both needed to talk. After we had finished playing around with Photoshop and all that.
Talk we did, about a lot of things - the darker parts of ourselves, that we keep hidden, the things we do not display and do not speak of. Even so we spoke only in general terms. The issues themselves we don't face, at least not yet.
We talked about a lot of depressing things. But at the end of it I talked myself right out of the depression again. I don't know if Kriss shared it with me - I hope she did! I feel so optimistic at the moment. I am going to take on the world and conquer it. I'll start by dismantling some prejudices I have. And then I will work on those of other people. And I will succeed.
I realized mainly how stupid it is to be insecure when there is no reason for it, and also that if you are insecure with reason you should figure it out and not hover without daring to make a leap. I guess that sounds a bit pompous, perhaps, but I do mean it. And I will maintain that attitude.

I feel so amazing now, the exact opposite of how I felt last night. I'm filled with hope and courage and enthusiasm and the guts and the will to make my dreams come true. To look on the bright side. Not to disregard the dark, but to accept it and move on and never ever obsess about it again.
To be selfish when I need to be. And to be, always, a little more generous than I should, because it is better to be vulnerable and get hurt than to be apathetic and fool yourself into thinking you never would have succeeded anyway.

Because life is about taking risks. And then, learning from them.

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updates from the...oracle boot camp. Hah. [Saturday 23/02/2008 @ 12:46]
[ mood | cheerful ]

After resisting Geir's pleas for two weeks I somehow found myself agreeing to go on this Oracle seminar-ish things, wherein the employees themselves hold classes about interesting stuff like...err...Ubuntu, Latex, HTML, bash...
Everything a geek could desire. Yay?
I didn't really want to go at first because I figured I wouldn't understand anything, people would laugh, everyone would be drunk etc...but I was wrong! I'm very glad I was wrong, too. I get so intimidated by people who know more than me about stuff that I forget sometimes that they are only people.

Plus, when you have seen all the nerds join in a round of campfire-ish singing (with Mattis on the guitar) you can't really find them scary anymore. Just kinda amusing.

I decided to leave before the Singstar stage - that would be scary. Anyway, we are having fun. Buried in snow, weak water pressure and some odd dreams - sunnysky, you were getting married, and I was illustrating something to do with that, and later I dreamed I was showering but could not get the shampoo out of my hair - but very well indeed.

Also, new icons = yayness.
I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

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latest but not least [Thursday 21/02/2008 @ 16:06]
[ mood | creative ]

Heh, I've been browsing through old stuff in dawrei's journal today...much fun. It was great remembering the start of our Gerald obsession and all that :D
And since I did send her that package and stuff... XD Well!

We made a Gerald day - two, in fact! Midsummer and midwinter.
So without further ado, I present to you an early celebration:

Happy Gerald Day!Collapse )

So, here's to you, Marieke! We've had so much fun these years and we will have MANY more! :)

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it's difficult being a teacher, and not easy being a student [Tuesday 19/02/2008 @ 17:54]
We had an intensely boring lecture today. "The Rise of the State as a Historic-Archaelogical Problem". It's always about problems with this lecturer, he never entitles a subject "Solving the..." or "the Solution to..."
No, always a problem. Capitalism as a Historic-Archaelogical problem. Cities as a Historic-Archaelogical problem. Uninterested Students as a Problem...

He went on for near an hour about nothing at all. Oh, he says stuff that is relevant for the subject at hand, but only in the vaguest sense. He never says anything you could not have figured out for yourself. He never elaborates on a subject, never presents us with new ways of looking at things...and he speaks Swedish. I don't mind Swedish usually, but damn, it gets pretty sleep-inducing after a while.

After the first part of the lecture, we had a break, and Janne announced, "That's it. I'm leaving."
Erin seemed horrified at the very thought - she misses lectures not infrequently, but apparently leaving in the middle of one would be impolite - but I completely agreed.
We went out and sat in the cantina and discreetly did not re-enter.

Then we ran for our lives and tried not to laugh as we escaped. I felt so sure that the lecturer was going to come after us; it's a small class and he said something unintelligible to us before our quiet exit. I am so glad Janne had the guts to leave then, because I certainly wouldn't have, though I wanted to.
I'm considering just dropping these lectures and reading the books instead, because I don't actually get anything done - I just sit there and make notes on the nonsense he says.
Well, I'll figure it out. I just have to finish watching J-drama first...
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